It's All About Balance

Remember teeter-totters? I doubt modern playgrounds even have them anymore, because of their proclivity for busting chins and butts when one "teeterer" got off unannounced to dash over to the merry-go-round or the slide. That's because they relied on a certain concept in order to function properly. A concept that most adults haven't even mastered, let alone your average eight year-old.

Balance.

When things are "equal" on both sides, then everything levels out. (Or goes back and forth evenly, which was the fun part). But if things are not equal, if one person is considerably heavier in the case of the teeter-totter, it just doesn't work. You get a thud, as one person sinks to the ground and the other ends up trapped in mid-air. (Incidentally, I was always the mid-air kid, since I weight about 55 lbs. until I hit puberty.) It's all about balance.

As an adult, I no longer think the teeter-totter analogy works for me, though. I'm not just balancing two things anymore (or was I ever?). In fact, I think my life can be divided into four equal quadrants, all requiring their "fair share" of my time and attention for me to feel. . . well, normal. Here they are in no particular order:

1. My body. It requires me to work out, make healthy food choices, take supplements for my noisy joints, and get enough sleep.

2. My mind. It requires me to read, to work, to play Bananagrams and Scrabble, to do Sudoku, to engage in discussions. And it also likes that sleep thing.

3. My spirit. All this really requires is meditation. But reading and writing nourish it immensely, too.

4. My heart. It requires me simply. . . to love. (And be loved.)

So, instead of the up and down search for balance we used to get as kids on a teeter-totter, now life is more like standing on a square board perched on top of a ball. It can roll in any direction if anything is out of whack. Whenever I have felt depressed in my life (and it really hasn't been too often, thankfully), I know that one (or more) of those things is not getting enough attention. One corner of that board has hit the dirt.

If I am not eating properly and not working out, I will hit a wall. I have no energy, will snap at people, and just "feel gross." In fact, as soon as I post this, I plan to go to the gym for some cardio and a "push day." (All you gym rats out there know what I'm talking about.) My breakfast this morning was Multi-grain Cheerios and a yogurt with hot tea. Safe to say, body is in balance these days.

If I am not reading anything, I feel lost. There are always at least two books on my nightstand at any given time. Usually one fiction and one non-fiction. Right now it's Mishna Wolff's I'm Down, a hilarious memoir, and Elizabeth Gilbert's Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage (more on that later). I also get a good mental workout at my job as a college English instructor. And if you have never played Bananagrams, check it out. I am hooked.

Up until this semester, I had been attending a group meditation every Wednesday night. It was easily the best thing I have done for myself since my divorce. I learned how to quiet the mind and tune into myself on a higher level, and in a group setting which offered a shared energy I couldn't get on my own. It was sort of like Weight Watchers for the soul; knowing you had to weigh in every Wednesday, you meditated all week to stay "in shape." Unfortunately, my schedule this term includes a Monday/Wednesday night class, right smack in the middle of meditation time. I can't help feeling like this is the Universe testing me to see if I can keep it up on my own. Guess what. . . I did 25 minutes this morning already. Check ME out.

So this brings me to the last part: the heart. I think we all know what happens when this is neglected. Literature and the news are filled with examples of it. People become insane, suicidal, even homicidal over a broken heart. Thankfully, I don't go nuts or kill people when my heart is not getting what it needs. But I know what it feels like when this corner of the board hits the dirt. Believe me. Now, I have two children, so I kind of have some built-in love (like an ice-maker in the freezer). It's a pure, unconditional love that is simply unbreakable. But make no mistake, I know this is not the kind of love one can hinge a life on. My goal is to raise these children to go out and have lives of their own, and I am aware that although they will always be a part of mine, they will not share a life with me. Not forever.

For the last year (up until May) I have been growing content with the notion of being on my own. Like Whitney says, "Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all." (Now if she could just do it, poor thing.) Besides, whenever I have been in relationships, I tend to let that part of the board outweigh all others, giving over way too much of my sense of self in the exchange. Maybe I was better off on my own. . .

Then in walked "Michael." Into my life, and into my heart. I was afraid at first, not wanting to teeter on that ball. I thought I pretty much had my life in balance and did not want any corners of the board to hit the dirt. Especially not my heart, which had been dirtied up enough already.

Last night I saw Eat, Pray, Love, reminding me how uncannily similar my life and Liz Gilbert's have matched up. When she met Filipe, she too had just settled comfortably into solitude, and wasn't ready to upset the balance board. She too had issues with dissolving into the Other in relationships. After confiding in her medicine man in Bali about it, he told her something I really needed to hear. Paraphrased, it was something like this: Sometimes getting off balance for love is the way to find balance in life.

After all, balance is about correction. We lean one way to compensate for the other side, and we do this until everything levels out. And you know what? I honestly think I am there now. My life is balanced. And I have never been happier. Now I'm reading Gilbert's book on coming to terms with marriage, so if my life has matched up to hers this closely so far, I wonder if I am looking into my own future. If so, from what I have read so far about her and Filipe, they are very similar to Michael and me. We could do worse than follow a similar path. A life like theirs, well. . . it wouldn't suck.

So, however you define your corners, I hope nothing is hitting the dirt these days. If it is, start correcting. And don't be afraid to let a little imbalance help you out with that. Especially if it's for love. Besides, a little dirt never hurt anyone.