Wednesday, February 16, 2011

What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love, and Misunderstanding?

Not too long ago, Michael and I were watching television on the couch one evening, like most couples do when it's a weeknight and you're in your forties. He, being the one with the larger thumb, the Y chromosome, and the "hunter/gatherer instinct," had the remote. Nestled next to him, I read the titles of each channel's offering as it flashed by on the guide while in a small box in the upper right corner of the screen, Emeril Lagasse informed us on how to make Moroccan lamb. It would do while we searched for something better.

I saw What Not To Wear pop up as he hit on TLC's lineup, and I gasped out loud. (I happen to love that show.) Quickly, Michael darted a look in my direction, then settled on Emeril.

Well...I guess that means WNTW is out. Sheesh.

But who can blame him? I mean, it is a chick show, for sure. Of course he doesn't want to watch Clinton and Stacy lead some insecure waif out of her closet full of over-sized neutral sweaters and into the mall for a pair of dark trouser jeans and some "completer pieces." Why would a straight man want to watch some girl get five inches of hair cut off and a makeover, rendering her to tears of self-actualized beauty acceptance? I soothed my bruised disappointment by reminding myself that he would probably love to watch American Chopper or some show on muscle cars. Emeril was a fair enough compromise.

But did he ask me if I was okay with Emeril? No. After a couple minutes, I decided to read a book while he watched. No law says I can't be reading a good novel while he learns how to spice up his lamb. I am a vegetarian, after all.

"Where are you going?" he asked when I extricated myself from his cuddle.

"I'm gonna get my kindle," I said. "You go ahead and watch this, though. I'll sit next to you and read."

"But, I put this on for you. I thought you wanted this."

"Huh?"

"He said something about 'chickpeas' and you went nuts. I figured, she wants to watch the chickpeas."

"I went nuts for What Not To Wear. I saw it go by as you were flipping."

He immediately grabbed the remote, fishing for TLC. "Oh, honey. I didn't know. All this time, I'm sitting here thinking I picked what you wanted, and you're sitting there thinking, 'What an ass.'"

We laughed together at how far off we had been at reading each other in this situation, and it offered us a wonderful code word for all our subsequent and future misunderstandings.

"Chickpeas."

Since that episode, when one of us says something the other one misinterprets, the other one will say, "What we have here is a case of chickpeas." Funny. But how funny would that evening have been if I had never gotten up to get my book? If I had suffered through Emeril's lamb and apparently chickpea recipes for the whole show? I would have continued to think that my boyfriend is the kind of guy who will veto my choices without discussion, and who will make unilateral decisions about what we are going to watch on TV. All the while, he would be thinking he was a prince for letting his girlfriend watch a show about damn chickpeas when better stuff was on. It's a good thing I got up for that book.

It just goes to show you, we often think we know what others feel, think, or know, without ever asking for clarification. But we are often so wrong in our assumptions. How many of these are you guilty of?

She knows I love her.

Surely he remembers that my birthday is next week.

I don't need to tell her she's beautiful. She already knows it.

He'll figure out I'm mad and come apologize on his own.

What she said really bothered me, but I don't wanna have a fight, so I'll just keep my mouth shut.

Some of us might be more intuitive than others, but none of us can actually read minds (which is probably a good thing). In any relationship, communication is vital for building strong intimacy, for coming to mutual understanding, and obviously for selecting a good show to watch on TV.

Michael and I have since agreed to do what therapists tell their clients to do all the time. It's basic Communication 101. In your own words, reflect back to the other person what you heard them say. For example:

"So, if I'm hearing you correctly, you'd prefer it if I didn't leave my toothbrush on your counter because it leaves a wet mess on your granite."

"No, I prefer you not leave it there because I'm afraid I'm going to knock it in the toilet. Please put it in this glass instead."

"Oh. Gotcha. Alrighty then. Thanks."

Are you expecting someone else to read your mind? Are you assuming you know what another person is thinking? Ask for clarification, reflect back what you think you heard (you may be wrong), and speak up if something doesn't sit right with you. Misunderstandings can be funny, but only if they are shared and cleared up. So go talk it out, and then laugh together.

You might have a case of chickpeas and not even know it.