"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." ~Mark Twain
I love me some Twain quotes. This one in particular I first read, of all places, on my former mother-in-law's refrigerator. One of the most difficult people I have ever met, she nonetheless saw the wisdom in this expression. Which goes to show you, even though we all have our flaws, most of us are struggling to better ourselves and to do the right thing.
Of course, she could have posted that quote not to remind her to be forgiving, but to remind others to put up with her crap.
Always on the outs with one family member or another, she thrives on drama and conflict, always placing herself as the victim of someone else's lack of consideration or outright cruelty. During our marriage, there were times when she would go months in a row without speaking to my ex-husband, or his brother, because of some imagined slight or because someone else didn't do things her way. It was exhausting for everyone involved.
Perhaps you know someone like this, someone who vexes your spirit, who tests your patience. How do we handle it? Approaching things from a spiritual (and back then, religious) perspective, I tried to see her presence in my life as a lesson in forgiveness. I believe that every thing and everyone in our lives is there to teach us something. So, how interesting that her refrigerator introduced me to the Twain quote about forgiveness...
Now that her son and I are divorced, I can hardly blame her for not loving me to pieces, since I was the leaver in this dissolution. I wish my ex every happiness, but it was not to be with me. Since he and I parted ways, I have only seen his mother on one brief occasion, at my son's lacrosse game about a year ago. I spoke to her and my former father-in-law politely, hugged them both, and then went to my seat. She was cool, but not cruel, giving me a limp hug and avoiding eye contact. Her husband was friendly and kind.
Well, guess what. Today I get to see them again, at my son's basketball game. I will be there with Michael, and I have to decide whether to go and greet them or not, and with or without Michael. My gut tells me to go right up and introduce him to them, say hello, then go sit on the other end of the court for the game. I'm inclusive and believe in reaching out. Plus, if I don't, then she will tell everyone I "completely ignored her at the game and didn't even say hello." But I also don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Especially not my son. If she is ugly to me, he will notice it. And that will hurt him.
By the way, if you are thinking "No sane woman would cause a scene and be rude to her own grandson's mother at his game," then you clearly have never met my former mother-in-law. She would totally dig this. The story would be rewritten and retold to all her friends and family, a drama that would fuel her for weeks, months maybe.
But that is really out of my control. What I can control is how I behave, and my response to her behavior. I will be sweet, say hello, then go sit down. My grandfather, rest his soul, used to advise me about my strained relationship with my husband's mother. He said, "All the water in the ocean can't sink a rowboat if you don't let it in." I tried for years to not let the water in. It was easier said than done, let me tell you. I am a sensitive soul, and for some reason, I need the whole world to like me. I seek approval like a golden retriever. This was a hard one for me, not letting her get to me. I'm not really sure I ever mastered that lesson, which may be why it's presenting itself to me again today.
So, here is the plan: I will take a deep breath, walk up to them, introduce Michael, thank them for coming to Max's game, tell them I hope they enjoy their weekend with the kids, and then go sit down. And if I get the stink eye, I will remember the fragrance of the violet I'm leaving on her heel.
