The Gift of Jealousy

"O, beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on."

For those of you who were wondering who first named jealousy a "monster," the Bard wrote this. Yes, good old Will Shakespeare gave her the green eyes, now synonymous with envy. One of the Seven Deadlies. Jealousy, like anger, punishes the possessor more than the one at whom it is aimed. (But more on anger on another post. Today's guest will be the one with the lovely green eyes.)

Jealousy is such a universal emotion, despite its destructive nature. Probably a survival instinct, it must have come in handy when we were still fighting over food supplies and the best mate in our less intelligent incarnations a few hundred millennia ago. But as we have evolved, this vestigial emotion just won't go away. Now we see it surface in our friendships, our careers, and our relationships. And it always comes down to that same basic instinct: someone else has something we want, or is threatening to take something from us. Or so our minds tell us.

I'm reminded of a conversation I had with my friend Jessica a few years ago. I remember it so clearly because she really impressed me with her insight, and because it changed my viewpoint. We always remember those convos, don't we? Jessica was telling me that a mutual girlfriend of ours was now in a relationship, with another woman. I wasn't surprised, but Jessica was a little taken aback at the new girlfriend, since it was someone she knew back in high school and "had no idea." She added, "The funny thing was that she's really tall, too, and I used to think of her as 'competition.'" (Jessica is six feet tall, barefoot.) Then here's the impressive part, even though it was practically in parentheses; I'll never forget it. "Of course," she added, "no one is really ever competition. There's no such thing." She then went on to tell me where and how they met, which I cannot recall. I was still stuck on this new concept.

No one is ever really competition....Wow.

I ruminated on that one for days, and I realized, she's right. If we think of someone else as competition for the opposite sex, we are negating the fact that it is up to an individual to decide if someone else is right for him (or her). Another admirer has absolutely no bearing on that choice. If two people are a match for each other, competition doesn't have any place. It's about making a choice, not winning some contest. If you aren't "chosen" by another, why would you have wanted to "win" through beating out the "competition?" It's insulting to the chooser to assume the choice isn't his (or hers). We aren't still beating each other up for a chance at the best female in the herd anymore. Well. . . okay, maybe you'll see that happening at 3:00am in a honkeytonk parking lot, but most of us have evolved.

Here's another good quote about jealousy, from my fellow Georgia writer Rosemary Daniell:

"Jealousy is the gift that shows you what you want more of in your life."

As a lemons-to-lemonade kinda gal, I like this idea of finding a use for this vitriolic poison we call jealousy, a way to befriend the green-eyed monster and make her my BFF. She's just showing me what I want more of in my life. This is especially useful in my career. I am definitely jealous of published writers, not because I want them to fail or because I think they don't deserve their success. On the contrary, I'm thrilled they have made it, because that means it's possible for me to as well. Plus, I know first hand how hard it is to get where they are. Good for them. Kudos. They deserve it. But my jealousy means that I want it, too.

"Can you guys scoot over just a smidgen and make some room for me on that bestseller's list, please? Thanks much. You're a mensch!"

If I get jealous of my friend Larissa's abs, or Amy's garden, or Awantika's independent nature, it's because I want those things for myself. This outlook really helps me come to terms with the feelings I'm having, and it definitely soothes my new BFF into submission.

As for the opposite sex thing, all of us want to be wanted. If someone else "wins" the one we want. . . well, we are better off free to go find the one who really wants us. Sure it hurts for awhile, but as I always say, "Looking for the right person is still more fun that being with the wrong one." And since everything that didn't work out for me up to this point led me to the relationship I'm in right now, I really can't complain. The Bard also wrote, "All's well that ends well."

So make the green-eyed monster your friend. Let her tell you what you want more of in your life. Then send her on her way. And remember Jessica's Axiom: No one is ever really competition. You are the very best "you" there is. And if someone wants "you," then there's no one better. Competition?

No such thing.