Perfection Is Overrated

"Better a diamond with flaws than a pebble without." ~ Chinese Proverb

I love Chinese sayings. So pithy and simple, yet so wise. I think most of us accept that we aren't perfect, but we still don't like it. You will often hear someone say, "Well, I'm certainly not perfect, but..." Rarely will you hear someone say, "Well, I'm not perfect, and here is the list." I'm reading Elizabeth Gilbert's new book, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage, and again, I'm amazed at the parallel circumstances of our lives.

You may remember that I finished Eat, Pray, Love right before I moved out of an apartment and into my new home. She wrote the book right after her difficult divorce and painful breakup with a boyfriend. I read it during the same transition in my life. After closing the book she wrote about her journey to Italy, India, and Indonesia (to learn how to eat, pray, and love), I started life in a new home sandwiched between and Indian family and an Indonesian family (my next-door neighbors). Incidentally, I am now dating an Italian. And boy, do we eat.

Well, she's speaking my language again. In Committed, she takes the reader on a journey through the evolution of marriage as an institution. It's good stuff, and I'm hooked. Anyway, the other day I was reading a section in which she enumerates her flaws as she presented them (in writing) to her fiance, Felipe. He replied by asking her if she had anything else to add that he didn't already know. (Gotta love this guy.)

As a gem importer, he was used to buying "parcels," groupings of gems (some good, most not-so-good) and evaluating the bad gems first. He told her that everyone sees the good gems first, and ignores the rest until after they have purchased the parcel. Don't we all see and adore the best qualities another person has to offer? Then they discover they can't really live with the "bad" gems and have overpaid for a few good ones. He looks at the bad gems first, to see if he thinks he can make anything with them. After explaining this analogy, he tells her that, regarding their relationship, he has seen it all. He can accept the whole parcel.

Don't we all want this from our loved ones? To be accepted, completely, bad stones and all? But who among us really wants to write all this down and present it to them?

"Here's why you should run screaming, buddy. But I hope you don't."

Well, she has inspired me. If Elizabeth Gilbert can write her flaws down for millions to read, I can do the same for all 23 of you out there. (wink)

1. I am compulsive. I can't work at home unless the place is spotless, and I have kids, so it never is. I will clean and tidy up before anything else gets done. And if you leave a mess for me to clean up, God have mercy on your soul. Because...

2. I have a temper. I scream at cars on the road who cut me off, go too slowly, go too fast, drive in the wrong lane, or won't let me the *@#& over.

3. I cuss way too much.

4. I have fears of abandonment. (I come by this one legitimately, but that's no excuse. I'm working on it.) Historically, this has resulted in me morphing into whatever my partner needs me to be. I will lose myself in him, adapting to my surroundings like a cuttlefish on the ocean floor. I am much, much better about this one at 41 than I was at 21.

5. I am easily distractible. For instance, that word (distractible) came up as not a word in this writing program, so I had to leave the blog and go look it up on dictionary.com before I could continue. You'll be happy to know it is indeed a word. Now, where was I. . .?

6. I have a hard time staying focused on a task. How I wrote two whole novels, I have no idea.

7. I talk way too much. I just don't know when to shut up sometimes. Especially when I'm nervous. Or when I've had a few drinks.

I'm sure there are more, but that seems like enough self-deprecation for now. In Twelve Step Programs, there is something called a moral inventory, and steppers are supposed to take a "searching and fearless" one. It's a good step, and you don't have to be an addict of any kind to do one. We are all flawed. Try it. You don't have to share it with millions, just yourself. Take a look at your own parcel.

I once told someone that we are all broken, but we are beautiful in our brokenness. Our imperfections make us human and offer us tremendous opportunities for growth. If we can find acceptance in this lifetime from even one person for who we are, as we are, flaws and all, we are blessed indeed. And perhaps we should start with ourselves.

So today, I am celebrating all of you beautiful, broken people out there. Bad stones and all, your parcel is precious.