In 2008, I survived the demise of my 16-year marriage, the death of my dear grandmother, a move from the house I'd lived in since 1995, a difficult job search after twelve years of full-time motherhood, and the dissolution of one of my most cherished friendships. (Divorce can be a cruel litmus test.) I handled it all in my customary spiritual way, believing that what will be...will be. And honestly, it is all working out just fine. (The friendship is now under repair and well on its way to recovery.) After all, we co-create the world in which we live. We attract to ourselves the things we want through affirming our goals, meditating for clarity, and following our bliss, our purpose for being here.
But I have a confession to make: I have doubts.
I've been teaching steadily for the last year and a half, making enough on a mostly part-time basis to get by. Barely. I can pay my bills and stay afloat, but I can't save and I am in no way ready for any sort of disaster. I am one busted HVAC unit or car repair away from being in the red. The bumper on my Civic has needed replacement since last Halloween, but I can't justify the expense on my sketchy income. Travel, especially with my kids, has always been very important to me, and it's just not feasible right now. It seems like my life is passing me by, and I am missing out because I can't scrape together enough to cover the price of admission. (And I have already dug through the couch cushions more times than I care to admit.)
Okay, so I'm supposed to "do what I love," and the money will follow, right? That's the kinda stuff I like to write about anyway. What do I love...? Well, I love to write.
Write a novel.
Okay, I did.
It's great, but a bit long for a first-time author, so write a shorter one.
Okay, I did.
This is a tough business. Maybe you should establish a name for yourself by writing some shorter pieces.
Okay, I did. I dropped them off with an editor of a magazine, who called me the next day and said she loved them. Wanted to publish them all. YAY! I should submit them to her publisher; here's the email address. I did.
"Thanks so much, but we don't have a spot for these in an upcoming issue."
What? But, the editor said she was laughing at her desk reading them. She said she never calls writers who submit things in person, but these were really good. She said I had the perfect voice for her magazine. That these didn't even need any editing. Huh? I'm confused.
See, I keep doing what I love, and the Universe keeps slapping me back down. Or at least that's what it feels like sometimes. I know I'm not alone in this feeling, or I wouldn't be sharing it here. I have friends who are better writers than I who keep getting slapped as well. I understand that it's part of the battle to publication, and no one gets there without some scars and wounds to brag about later on at writers' conferences. I don't mind taking my licks. I wanna earn my stripes.
But enough, already! I have two novels, both award-winning, for which I have yet to find an agent. The first one was very well-received at a book club a friend of mine has been doing for eight years. "I loved your book. Why haven't you tried to publish it?" When I explained that I had queried about forty agents who all passed, they didn't understand why it hadn't been picked up, saying it was easily in the top ten books they had read (out of nearly a hundred). What gives, Universe?
I get a request for the manuscript, my hopes go up, and I wait. Rejection. I throw a thirty minute pity party, then give the bootstraps a tug, telling myself that wasn't meant to be my agent. Then I keep looking. This roller coaster never seems to stop, and I'm getting nauseated. I'm beginning to doubt the process. Do my thoughts, intentions, and actions really have an effect on the Universe, on my possibilities for publishing? Will I ever get rewarded for doing what I love? Or do I just get off this ride and give up?
Pardon me while I wax pathetic for a post, but I think you probably know my answer.
No. I won't get off the ride. I might throw up at some point, but I refuse to give up. That will only insure that I definitely won't get published. And I will get published, or die trying. Sure, I may be 41, but I took one of those virtual age tests last week. It told me I was really only 22, and that I would live to be 93. That's over 70 more years of riding this roller coaster!
Woe to the people sitting behind me.
I guess we all have doubts. If we don't, we aren't paying attention. I used to envy those people who just blindly accept dogma and don't feel the need to filter it though their logical brains. Here's the book: read it, believe it, and hit other people over the head with it. Now I realize, I'm lucky to have my doubts. By the time I believe in something (which ain't much, I'll tell ya), I'm pretty solid in that belief. Conversely, there really isn't much that I disbelieve, thanks to a dear friend who pointed out to me that disbelief can be just as dogmatic as blind belief. There are a lot of things that I just don't know about. Still asking the questions, still looking for answers.
But one thing I do know: I love to write. And I'm gonna keep on doing it, even if I never make a penny from it.
So, thanks for coming to my party. Please take some leftover whine home with you. I'm trying to quit.
Krista...you really are a fabulously expressive writer! Keep on keeping on girlfriend!
ReplyDeleteKrista, we met at the meditation meetup awhile ago and I came over to check out your blog right away and loved it. Your writing engages the reader, there is so much passion and authenticity which is a rare thing online.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to alot of things you are going through. Have you thought of other ways of making money writing besides going the publishing route? Professional blogging for example. That's what I am pursuing and results do start to show up already.
I wish you luck with everything, yes!,don't give up, the Universe will surprise you soon. If you need help with anything, let me know pls, my contact info is on my blog.
You really do write well. I think the important thing is that you're doing what you love to do. It's not like you're suppressing this desire to write and not trying to capitalize off what you are good at. You're doing what you think is right and that's what matters. Like you said, it would be foolish to just give up and quit after all the hard work and dedication you put into your craft. You can't expect to be a millionaire overnight, but as long as you keep churning out work, I believe, you will accumulate a following that will reward you with not only a monetary compensation but also with the satisfaction that you went for the gold rather than just sit on the sidelines and wondered why you didn't even give it a shot.
ReplyDeleteAt least you're still trying (which is more than I can say for me "write" now. :)
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