Nothing Personal

"It's not you...it's me."

How many times have we all heard that one? The most cliche kissoff in the book, right? Well, not according to Don Miguel Ruiz (another name I will be dropping like he's my uncle). If you haven't read The Four Agreements, then put it at the top of your list. It'll take you only a few hours to zip through it, and a third grader could grasp the language and the simple message. One of the four agreements is: Don't take anything personally. Nothing anyone else ever does is about you. It's always about them.

Now, it may be simply stated, but that's a hard pill to swallow. It sounds like a way to excuse all of our behavior and put all the consequences of our actions onto others. But I can recall many situations where other people assumed my behavior was "about them." And they were wrong in every instance.

For example, at the beginning of March I joined Match.com. Some friends of mine were all on it, and they encouraged me to try it as well. Since I am attracted to a mere sliver of the male population, and since my tastes are so esoteric that there are more Norwegian Rastafarians in Atlanta than there are men who register on my radar, I thought I would give it a go. Couldn't hurt, right? Well, all I can say is I have tried it now, so I can cross it off my list. And I wish I could get back that $47.99 for the three-month trial.

I got plenty of emails and "winks" from nice enough guys (and some real cuties too), but no one who really intrested me. Since I'm not overly eager to get myself involved with anyone right now, I'm a hard sell. And my time is precious and over-scheduled, so I really didn't respond to most of them. I have enough trouble returning emails to my friends, coworkers, and family. Why waste time on strangers?

Well, guess what. They all took it personally. I got several emails from guys saying. "Really? No repsonse? That's a shame, cuz I thought you seemed pretty amazing. You could have at least written me back." Or "This is a first--no response? I always get compliments on my profile and pics." Or "I guess you have found someone or you would have written back. If he turns out to be a douchebag, hit me up."

They had all concocted these "rejection stories" in their heads, but I wasn't writing back because of me. Because of where I am right now. I don't believe in that "You complete me" business. Two halves don't make a whole. I need to be whole, on my own, before I can overlap my life with someone else's. And I'm not ready yet. So I have no interest in putting my energy into a search for Mr. Right. I don't want to meet the right person at the wrong time.

I changed my profile. I rewrote it as an open letter to anyone who has emailed me and gotten little to no response. And guess how I started it.

"It's REALLY not you, it's me."

So this is the lesson I am taking from my Match experience. When I assume someone else is rejecting or ignoring me (or my writing, or my art, or my email), I remember that it really isn't about me. Some agent may love my work, another may not care for it, and those responses are about the agents, not about my work. Think about it. If someone is angry at you for something you said or did, ask yourself, would everyone else in the world have reacted the same exact way?

No. Because we are all distinct beings, and we see things differently, and our perceptions are unique. So one person's reaction to your joke may be laughter, another may be offended, and another may not even get it. It's all about them. To think that other people's reactions to us are all about us is really a form of self-centeredness. That everything has to be about us. I once heard a great saying about this: "You'd probably worry a lot less about what other people think of you if you realized how seldom they did."

Another case in point: I occasionally deactivate my Facebook account when I feel the need to focus on other things. The first time I did it, I made no announcement and told no one what I was doing. I figured people wouldn't really notice if their friend count went down by one. I got a text message from a girlfriend saying that a guy we both know had been frantic worrying about why I "defriended" him. So now I know to announce my departures before I deactivate, so people will know it really is about me, not them.

Now this isn't to say that when we wrong someone we don't owe them an apology. There are other agreements that cover this, so I will leave it to Don to fill you in on those. But we do need to realize that we can choose to accept or reject the comments and actions of others. If we are hurt by someone's unkind words, that was a choice we made. We could have just as easily blown the comment off as meaningless, not agreed with it, not let it hurt us. Even if we aren't aware that we're doing it, and most of us aren't, we all make choices about how we take things (or reject them) and how we react. Ultimately, everything we do or say is about us. Not the other person.

So, the next time someone tells you, "It's not you, it's me." You can just smile and say, "I know." It might surprise them. Who's getting the kissoff now, huh?