"I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy." ~Rabindranath Tagore
This might sound like bourgeois nonsense, something The Man might say to make the proletariat whistle while they work. But I do believe that it is indeed through service that we find our bliss. The Bahai consider work as their worship. In Buddhism, Right Livelihood is is a step on the Eightfold Path to Enlightenment. Work satisfaction is closely tied to our happiness. So instilling a strong work ethic is one of the kindest things we can do for our kids.
But somewhere along the way, I dropped the ball as a parent. I had the ball, at one time. Had that sucker firmly tucked under my arm and was dodging tackles left and right, back when carrying the ball was my full-time occupation and I was Employee of the Month, every month. I ran that house like a fascist cheerleader with OCD. We had memberships to everything from the zoo to the botanical garden to the science museum. We did crafts, and took trips, and had experiences. I filled my children's minds and exposed them to all sorts of cool stuff. We picked blueberries, we saw aquariums, we made pottery, we watched cows get milked, and a slew of other field-trippy things. But I also made them work. The refrigerator was a testimony to my devotion; my mission in life was to Raise Good Kids. If I had my way, they would have good manners, they would know the value of money, and most importantly, they would develop a strong work ethic. With chore charts, allowances, and room inspections, these kids were well on their way.
Then I got divorced, started working full-time, and just got tired. I suppose I dropped the ball somewhere between the courthouse, the university, and the after-school program carpool line. The fridge still has The Family Rules posted on it (among several other spirchul lists, like The Rules for Being Human, and Deepak's Seven Laws of Spiritual Success for Kids), all of which get broken on a daily basis at my abode. Where the hell is that ball? I need it back.
If you read the last post, then you are aware of Wednesday's problems with neatness. Her room is a cross between a Petri dish and a hamper. The child lives like a frat boy, without the beer can tower and posters of naked girls, of course. Yesterday morning, I told her and Max that I plan to reinstate the old system of chore charts and allowances. This way, they will learn that privileges are tied to responsibilities, and that money doesn't grow on trees. (Yes, I was channeling for my grandfather when I said that one.) The plan still needs the kinks worked out, like exactly how much money will be earned for exactly which chores, and how their performances will be evaluated, but I gave them the global idea as I drove the little darlings to school. Wednesday's response just floored me.
"Well, I'm just being honest here, okay? But if it's like, a lot of work for not much money, then I just won't bother."
Huh? Wait...that's not an option.
It occurred to me: that's a pretty good description of many people's jobs, mine included. "A lot of work for not much money." Maybe I can just waltz into the department head's office and proclaim, "Hey, just being honest here, but this is like, too much work for mot much money, so I'm just not gonna bother." Then I'd just sashay outta there and go to the mall to hang out with my friends and talk about boy bands and buy Japanese snacks at Niko Niko. That'd be the life, huh?
Well, that is apparently the life I have set up for my daughter. With no expenses to cover, no mouths to feed, and no mortgage to pay, she doesn't really have to do anything. I'm going to have to up the ante here. From now on, she is cut off from any expenditures aside from food and some very basic clothing. I will buy her some jeans and t-shirts from Target. Any concert tickets or clothes from Hot Topic will have to come out of her funds. (Which she doesn't have yet. Mwah ha ha ha ha!)
At Wednesday's age, I babysat on a regular basis. My boyfriend was delivering papers at age seven! He worked that route until he was fifteen, starting as early as 6 am on Sundays. Why did we do these jobs? Two reasons. One, we wanted money that was ours, that we earned and could therefore spend how we wished. And two, we thought it was cool to "have a job." It made us feel grown up. So it came down to ambition and responsibility, the two components that make up something I see lacking in my daughter: a strong work ethic.
When I was fourteen, I wanted to be a lawyer (a calling for which my brother still claims I was designed). Before that it was a research scientist, and after the lawyer thing, it became an advertising executive, because I could write, be artistic, and make a crap-ton of money all at the same time. (Hey, it was the 80's. Greedy times.) What are Wednesday's ambitions?
"I got it all planned out. Me and Mariela are gonna like, move to Liverpool and be artists. Then, when I get married, I wanna move to Japan."
"Artists, huh?" (Nothing wrong with that, but let's define "artist.")
"Yeah. She's gonna paint, and I'm gonna do photography. But we know that won't pay much, so we're gonna also be like, hairdressers or something like that cuz it's easy."
"Really?" I said. One of my best friends is my hair stylist, and I know for a fact it ain't easy. "Stand like this with your arms in the air for the next eight hours."
I got an eye roll. Shame on me for spoiling such a perfect plan.
This might be a poor transition, but I grew up watching Little House on the Prairie, which was "based on a true story." I also read the books, so I think I got the inside scoop. If Mary and Laura could hold down the farm (which I think caught fire in that episode) for a day while Ma and Pa went into Sleepy Eye to sell eggs, then why can't Wednesday put the dishes in the dishwasher?
Expectations.
We live in an age where the average middle class kid has more goodies than the richest kids a generation ago did. My brother and I had an Atari. Some kids had a Nintendo. You had to pick. My kids have a Wii, an XBOX 360, and a Playstation 2. (And they still want more systems.) Electronics are cheap now, and they make our lives convenient. Kids are already living like grown-ups, so why do they need a job to make them feel adult? They have cell phones and laptops, making them feel pretty damn important already. But guess what. They aren't as happy as we were with our babysitting jobs and paper routes. See, Rabindranath has a point. Without a sense of accomplishment and contribution to the world they live in, our kids are jaded, dissatisfied, and unhappy. The kindest thing I can do for my daughter is to help her see that service is joy.
So, Step One: I unplugged her.
Now time for Step Two: I'm cutting off the ATM. No more money. Period. If she wants it, she'll earn it. even if it's "like, a lotta work for not much money," it'll be more than she has now. And although she doesn't realize it, she will be earning something besides money: happiness.
I'm picking the ball back up.
But somewhere along the way, I dropped the ball as a parent. I had the ball, at one time. Had that sucker firmly tucked under my arm and was dodging tackles left and right, back when carrying the ball was my full-time occupation and I was Employee of the Month, every month. I ran that house like a fascist cheerleader with OCD. We had memberships to everything from the zoo to the botanical garden to the science museum. We did crafts, and took trips, and had experiences. I filled my children's minds and exposed them to all sorts of cool stuff. We picked blueberries, we saw aquariums, we made pottery, we watched cows get milked, and a slew of other field-trippy things. But I also made them work. The refrigerator was a testimony to my devotion; my mission in life was to Raise Good Kids. If I had my way, they would have good manners, they would know the value of money, and most importantly, they would develop a strong work ethic. With chore charts, allowances, and room inspections, these kids were well on their way.
Then I got divorced, started working full-time, and just got tired. I suppose I dropped the ball somewhere between the courthouse, the university, and the after-school program carpool line. The fridge still has The Family Rules posted on it (among several other spirchul lists, like The Rules for Being Human, and Deepak's Seven Laws of Spiritual Success for Kids), all of which get broken on a daily basis at my abode. Where the hell is that ball? I need it back.
If you read the last post, then you are aware of Wednesday's problems with neatness. Her room is a cross between a Petri dish and a hamper. The child lives like a frat boy, without the beer can tower and posters of naked girls, of course. Yesterday morning, I told her and Max that I plan to reinstate the old system of chore charts and allowances. This way, they will learn that privileges are tied to responsibilities, and that money doesn't grow on trees. (Yes, I was channeling for my grandfather when I said that one.) The plan still needs the kinks worked out, like exactly how much money will be earned for exactly which chores, and how their performances will be evaluated, but I gave them the global idea as I drove the little darlings to school. Wednesday's response just floored me.
"Well, I'm just being honest here, okay? But if it's like, a lot of work for not much money, then I just won't bother."
Huh? Wait...that's not an option.
It occurred to me: that's a pretty good description of many people's jobs, mine included. "A lot of work for not much money." Maybe I can just waltz into the department head's office and proclaim, "Hey, just being honest here, but this is like, too much work for mot much money, so I'm just not gonna bother." Then I'd just sashay outta there and go to the mall to hang out with my friends and talk about boy bands and buy Japanese snacks at Niko Niko. That'd be the life, huh?
Well, that is apparently the life I have set up for my daughter. With no expenses to cover, no mouths to feed, and no mortgage to pay, she doesn't really have to do anything. I'm going to have to up the ante here. From now on, she is cut off from any expenditures aside from food and some very basic clothing. I will buy her some jeans and t-shirts from Target. Any concert tickets or clothes from Hot Topic will have to come out of her funds. (Which she doesn't have yet. Mwah ha ha ha ha!)
At Wednesday's age, I babysat on a regular basis. My boyfriend was delivering papers at age seven! He worked that route until he was fifteen, starting as early as 6 am on Sundays. Why did we do these jobs? Two reasons. One, we wanted money that was ours, that we earned and could therefore spend how we wished. And two, we thought it was cool to "have a job." It made us feel grown up. So it came down to ambition and responsibility, the two components that make up something I see lacking in my daughter: a strong work ethic.
When I was fourteen, I wanted to be a lawyer (a calling for which my brother still claims I was designed). Before that it was a research scientist, and after the lawyer thing, it became an advertising executive, because I could write, be artistic, and make a crap-ton of money all at the same time. (Hey, it was the 80's. Greedy times.) What are Wednesday's ambitions?
"I got it all planned out. Me and Mariela are gonna like, move to Liverpool and be artists. Then, when I get married, I wanna move to Japan."
"Artists, huh?" (Nothing wrong with that, but let's define "artist.")
"Yeah. She's gonna paint, and I'm gonna do photography. But we know that won't pay much, so we're gonna also be like, hairdressers or something like that cuz it's easy."
"Really?" I said. One of my best friends is my hair stylist, and I know for a fact it ain't easy. "Stand like this with your arms in the air for the next eight hours."
I got an eye roll. Shame on me for spoiling such a perfect plan.
This might be a poor transition, but I grew up watching Little House on the Prairie, which was "based on a true story." I also read the books, so I think I got the inside scoop. If Mary and Laura could hold down the farm (which I think caught fire in that episode) for a day while Ma and Pa went into Sleepy Eye to sell eggs, then why can't Wednesday put the dishes in the dishwasher?
Expectations.
We live in an age where the average middle class kid has more goodies than the richest kids a generation ago did. My brother and I had an Atari. Some kids had a Nintendo. You had to pick. My kids have a Wii, an XBOX 360, and a Playstation 2. (And they still want more systems.) Electronics are cheap now, and they make our lives convenient. Kids are already living like grown-ups, so why do they need a job to make them feel adult? They have cell phones and laptops, making them feel pretty damn important already. But guess what. They aren't as happy as we were with our babysitting jobs and paper routes. See, Rabindranath has a point. Without a sense of accomplishment and contribution to the world they live in, our kids are jaded, dissatisfied, and unhappy. The kindest thing I can do for my daughter is to help her see that service is joy.
So, Step One: I unplugged her.
Now time for Step Two: I'm cutting off the ATM. No more money. Period. If she wants it, she'll earn it. even if it's "like, a lotta work for not much money," it'll be more than she has now. And although she doesn't realize it, she will be earning something besides money: happiness.
I'm picking the ball back up.
Service = Virtue...the more we serve mankind, the more virtue we attain. Virtue is the key to enlightenment.
ReplyDeleteThe life you lead is the example that your children will draw from when it really counts.
May I suggest another field trip...maybe you should volunteer her to help at a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter. You might accomplish two goals at once.
Love your blog...keep it up.
David
Go Krista!! I am sharing your blog with folks... these are really hitting home lately.
ReplyDeleteJody
That sounds like an uphill battle, but, hopefully the principles and priceless experiences you instilled in her as a child will kick in and make your stand against the modern world/child as an easier feat.
ReplyDeleteChildren don't play outside anymore, and are addicted to their video games, i phones, and social networks, heck, just ask their parents who are digi-fiends themselves. I know grown men that will fight their young over a game of Xbox. I think your Lil House On The Prairie way of life is noble, and I plan to raise my children with the same Ol' Skool values, but there is apart of us that eventually has to "live in the now," and adjust accordingly, while never loosing sight of what's most important about life.
Good luck, and work it, girl!
hate to put it this bluntly but....you gotta get 'em where it hurts! my boys were on the edge of this weird, sad, frustrating phase that yours (and you) are going through...make them pay part of their cell phone bill, cable bill, etc of else you "just cannot afford it"...see what happens then! AWESOME POST, KRISTA!!! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteMy daughter over dinner at Sushi Express (never had those as a kid): "when I grow up, I'm going to be a model and make a lot of money really quickly so I can do all the things I want to do". I think this comes from the schools Reach For The Stars program last year. Yeah, there a lot of encouragement we need to give our children to be confident in today's world, but if we don't lead by example then we aren't doing them much good. No im not foing ro become a model; unless you can offer me lots of money!
ReplyDeleteWe don't have an allowance yet because mom likes to do alot of the field trips n such and she's stil oK w hand me downs - it's hard to get her out of the thrift store. What's my point? Hmm. I agree with you whole heartedly on making rules and sticking to them. I'm just adding that kids have access to so much more information and are expected to know so much more info in each classroom than we had to know.
Im fighting the online anime video watching. Trying to implement 15mins of reading (that's her weak point) for each anime. Not into the phone or clothes or boys yet.
Just be cognizant of their stress level as well. Now where did I put that Parent Manual?!